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Home Education Magazine
July-August 1999 - Articles
Bad Homeschooling Days - Selena Montoya
I recently picked up a back issue of a homeschool magazine. My eye caught the tag: "Homeschooling When There's Trouble at Home." Wow! I thought, Now I can figure out how to homeschool on those days when my kids drive me bananas and my most loving and patient response to them is screaming at the top of my lungs and sending them off to their rooms! However, to my dismay, the article was not about how to deal with my demons. It was about homeschooling through family illnesses, deaths, layoffs, etc. Good information. But would no one talk about "Bad Homeschooling Days?"
"Bad Homeschooling Days," like bad hair days, can and do afflict many homeschoolers at some point, as I've ascertained by doing a research project called interviewing my friends at park days. What I've also determined, although the more open parents may disagree, is that not many people talk about them, nor are willing to admit to them. I've read plenty of articles dealing with homeschooling doubt and paranoia, but nowhere have I come across articles that deal directly and openly with homeschooling's darker side. I can conjure up reasons why there may be a dearth of information or conversation about bad homeschooling days: No one wants to admit that sometimes homeschooling can be downright tough. We have to make sure to keep up the appearance, at all times and at all costs, that homeschooling not only works better than public schooling, but that it's easier, rosier and overall happier than we can possibly say. Besides, if grandma knew for a moment that Mom is occasionally completely stressed out, won't that just fuel the old, "Why don't you send them to school" conversation?
Yes, there may be many reasons not to want to discuss our bad, or "dark" days. But there are many great reasons to address this issue, all for the purpose of decreasing them, if not downright eliminating them altogether. (Note: this article does not deal with physical child abuse or chronic, consistent, daily inability-to-cope-with-life situations. If you feel that you are seriously over the edge, I urge you to see a professional doctor or counselor.)
"Black Friday" was The worst homeschooling days in my history. After a fruitless morning of trying to deal with the electrician, the phone, the kids not paying attention to me or their responsibilities, I drove them to Spanish class in tears, dropped them off, and was grateful to find my friend Kelly1 there, willing to lend me her shoulder to cry on. As it turns out, we experienced a lot of the same issues concerning our anger and frustrations. Our childhoods shared a similar pattern of parental rage and anger in the family, which we were visiting upon our little ones. Ultimately, we were able to find solace in the fact that we were not alone, and that we were both committed to dealing with and overcoming our negative behavior.
On the evening of Black Friday, I called a family meeting. I decided that my anger and my inability to keep from blowing my top at things that provoked me was a sickness. It was a learned, conditioned response which I was unequipped to deal with. It was a habit, perhaps a biologically triggered addiction, the healing of which would require me to reform with healthy, positive habits. I asked for all of my family's help. I told them that I needed their help, and that I was absolutely determined to bring this behavior to an end. My kids are all under nine years old, but they understood and were very supportive. They agreed to do their best on "school" days, and to help the day go well. But ultimately I know that the anger reaction is mine: I trigger it, and I can stop it.
The Source of Anger
There are many good books out on anger and how to deal with it. I especially recommend The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.2 In her book, Lerner analyzes and dissects the patterns of behavior between family members, including parents, grandparents and children. Drawing from real-life scenarios, she illustrates how negative patterns of anger-reacting can be identified and overcome.
Particularly useful is the exercise of determining exactly what is bothering you, and in this case, affecting your homeschooling. It may not even be about the homeschooling. My friend Jill said that her bad homeschooling days mostly occur when she has too much to do for her work. She then feels overwhelmed and takes it out on the kids.
Take inventory. Get a spiral notebook and begin to enumerate all the things that are bothering you. Do your in-laws live with you and/or drive you crazy? Is your husband's job or lack of one making him hard to live with at the moment? Do you wish you were 'unschooling,' but feel the need for structure; or, do you follow a structure but you are dying for some randomness? Are you stressed about finances? Is it cyclical? (Women, I recommend keeping a calendar of your menstrual cycle, so you can quickly see if cyclical moodswings are part of your makeup. I've kept such a calendar for over a year now, and often all I need to do is glance at it to breathe a sigh of relief, for I am conscious of the source of my irritation. Awareness of their partner's cycles may also be helpful to men in the household.) I even recommend starting with an overall physical for the simple reason of eliminating any possible physical or chemical causes for irrational or overblown anger reactions.
Any number of things can be brewing in your subconscious, causing you to take out your anger and frustration on the children. Get them all out on paper, then develop a plan to address the issues, eliminate them where possible; but certainly put the anger-energy directly on the issues, not on the children. Your source of anger may be in regards to your own view of yourself. A feeling of helplessness and frustration, a sense of depression or insufficient achievement may actually have its roots in adolescence. The brilliant book by Mary Pipher, Ph.D., Reviving Ophelia,3 traces the roots of "losing one's Self" in teen girls. We may be able to draw parallels with these girls, identify some of the negative patterning and conditioning, and thus begin our own healing process.
If you feel depressed and/or continuously overwhelmed, taking the following inventory may help. Do you need one afternoon away from the kids? Do you need help one day a week with household cleaning? Can your husband cook breakfasts on weekends, and/or one night a week? Can you take a yoga or aerobics class to perk up your metabolism and psyche?
What I often find when moms talk about "getting a break" is summed up by what my friend Lily had to say: "I felt ashamed to want to need time to myself." The housework's not so bad? Nor your church volunteering? Nor is hosting the chess club every week? Perhaps you're right: singly nothing is too much. In combination, however, there are the makings of overwhelm, anger and frustration.
Maybe It Really IS the Kids!
Does your child consistently engage in irksome and anger-provoking behavior? If your child's behavior seems unmanageable, there are several possible solutions right at your fingertips that may lead to resolution. According to James J. Jones, MFCC and author of the dynamic (and for me, tremendously successful) "Let's Fix the Kids!" program, anger is a function of feeling helpless. You may need to get creative about solutions to upsetting situations. Eliminating the kids' treasured and cherished past-times, toys or activities is a strong motivator for acceptable and workable behavior, which are easily controlled without you falling to pieces.
Next, analyze your nutrition. Whole, minimally- or unprocessed foods are always best; allergy-provoking foods like wheat, corn, sugar, dairy and caffeine should be identified and eliminated. Fresh fruit is brain food; you'd be better off starting your day with that than sugary, colored, processed cereal. Think your kids will have a fit if you change? Initially, count on it. But who's in charge here? Ultimately, the improved health, mental clarity and calmed down behavior will be worth it.
Like nutrition, sleep and adequate rest is especially important, for both you and the kids. Set an early bedtime (earlier than you think necessary), and enforce it. Wind the evening down in a calm, soothing manner by playing relaxing music and reading gentle stories.
If these solutions don't work, and you feel a trip to the eye doctor, chiropractor or other specialist to eliminate physical problems is in order, it probably is. Heed your intuition.
Other Solutions
Be realistic. I know that when I've blown it, I tend to dwell on the negative. Black Friday was preceded by Magic Monday, Terrific Tuesday, Wonderful Wednesday, and Thimply Thuper Thursday. But what did I stew over all the rest of Saturday? Black Friday. When I reflected on the past week and month, I was shocked how one bad morning had made my entire vision sour. I mentally enumerated all the great things each of my children had done; then boy, did I have some guilt to deal with! Luckily, children are very forgiving, and I always make sure that I apologize completely, reestablish my relationship with them, and renew my commitment to them not to repeat the anger behavior. After all, I'm the adult, and if I have trouble governing my own behavior, why should I expect the miraculous from little people? Problems arise when I fail to forgive myself and move on.
As Jill said, "On those days when I'm sure that I've ruined the kids for life, I just stop. I just put all the books away and head for the park, or the library, or wherever. If I freak out and feel like I'll get too far behind, I just look at the kids in comparison to public school kids, and I know that they're just fine. Then we all come back refreshed and feeling better." Another mom simply makes sure that she takes off one week per month, and one day per week, then there's no burn out.
This morning I checked in with my support system, Kelly, because I could feel a bad day coming on. I was snappish, unappreciative and annoyed. I promised to report to her at the end of the day to tell her how it went. At one moment my son was trying my patience no end by dragging around during chore time. I thought I would lose it and I asked him why he was behaving this way. He told me he was just making up a game while he got his work done. D-UH! I felt foolish, truly. I told him I really thought that he was doing all of this just to make me angry! When, once again, I was able to see things from his perspective, I totally got it. I simply asked him gently to please include a little game in his work, not the other way around. After that, I promptly brought out all the creative arts supplies and let the kids go at it making Valentine's Day cards. Then we went for a walk in a nearby park and played chase in the sunshine. You see, I also knew that there was someone else (Kelly) counting on me to make it through the day without anger. Plus, I just didn't want to talk about having had another bad day to anyone, so I resolved not to have one.
There are many ways to deal with bad homeschooling days, but by yourself is not one I'd recommend. Above all, talk, talk, talk (to sympathetic and knowledgeable friends, not your critical neighbor!). You will gain powerful, useful insights and solutions from friends, children and spouses when you talk honestly and realistically about your feelings, your fears and your frustrations. Reward yourself every single time you do not react in anger.
Reward yourself every time you find a creative consequence for the kids when they test you, and you don't blow your top. Reward, reward, reward! Make up a game or a partnership, like a morning phone call to a sympathetic friend to start the day off right, or the unrestricted use of her answering machine to blow off steam to, instead of directing it at your precious charges. I have begun the new practice of thanking my children for all the good and thoughtful things they do. I thank them for doing the regular, mundane things that they are supposed to do. I experience being grateful that they are in my life.
If you feel overwhelmed by dealing with these children called yours, I encourage another exercise in your spiral notebook: At the end of each and every day, write down at least three things that you admire, enjoy or love about each of your children. Then write down three things of the same criteria about yourself. Lastly, and I borrow this from Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy,4 write down five things that you are grateful for that day. I predict that your life and your relationship with your children will be transformed.
Finally, don't forget prayer. Regardless of your religious or spiritual orientation, there is always that possibility of connecting with a Source or Power higher and more omniscient than yourself. Even a few minutes each day of thoughtful quiet, recommitting to a peaceful, loving day with your children can work miracles. Make yourself wake up fifteen minutes earlier if you don't think you have the time to do this. The quality of your life may depend on it. Have holy thoughts. Forgive yourself when you blow it, recover and move on. Eventually the days of peace will stretch out longer and longer and you will have conquered the anger habit, leaving your children a truly blessed legacy.
©1999, Selena Montoya
1. All names have been changed to protect individuals' privacy.
2. The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, Harper Collins Publishers, reissue 1997. ISBN 006091565X.
3. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, Ballantine Books, reissue 1995. ISBN 0345392825.
4. Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, Warner Books, travel edition 1998. ISBN 0446525383.
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