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Home Education Magazine
May-June 2003 - Articles and Columns
unchores - Karen Kirkwood
Another fight. Jessica, age 15, is trying to sweep the house and wipe down the kitchen counters. But she can't because Patti, age 12, hasn't picked up her shoes and books off the floor and washed the breakfast dishes. Jessica is screaming. Patti, who sits on the sofa refusing to move, says, "I'll get my chores done when I feel like it."
Jessica's big brown eyes turn to me in despair. "Mommy, this isn't fair."
No, it isn't, to either Them. Jessica is driven to clean, to organize, to tidy. Patti is oblivious. Her forgotten dirty socks under the sofa drive Jessica to hysteria. Jessica's constant nagging turns Patti to stone. When Patti does clean, it is not good enough for Jessica. She berates Patti for not placing the magazines squarely in line with the corner on the coffee table. However, Patti's crusty breakfast dishes are sometimes still on the table at bedtime.
Over the years we have tried many different methods for getting chores done peacefully. The changes have often worked for awhile, but chores often caused more than their share of daily stress. One day our two darlings, as their grandmother calls them, were chasing each other, screaming names their grandmother would not have thought darling, and taking swipes at each other with thick dowels removed from our hanging chair. My husband, Dean, tore the chore list off the wall and shook it, saying, "This is ridiculous. It's not working!"
A few days later as I sat at my desk working, I noticed Dean and the girls having a quiet conversation on the sofa. I looked up, and he said, "We unschool, why don't we run chores the same way?"
"Unchore?" I asked.
Both girls yelled, "Yes!"
Time stopped. I looked across the room at their united front. No chore list? The words stung like I had been slapped. My way of doing things wasn't working, but I couldn't imagine running the house without a chore list. I felt alienated, wounded, stunned.
"But we've always used a chore list."
"Things change. Let's try something different." I set aside my wounded pride and listened as the three of them excitedly worked out the details.
We have been unchoring now for several months. The system isn't perfect. For example, Jessica does more work than Patti, but it doesn't bother anyone but me. A clean, organized house and work space are important to Jessica and she can't begin homeschool work until everything is in order. She also likes folding laundry and rearranging furniture--anything that brings order to chaos.
Patti's system is more helter-skelter, and, although she gets frustrated when she loses things, it generally works for her. I tramped over her clothing and stumbled on stuffed animals for years in order to give her a good night kiss. About two years ago she announced she was going to clean her room and it has stayed fairly clean since then. Patti likes to spread out her projects around the house, and like a bee collecting honey, work on them at different times during the day. When she needs her socks, she'll get them from under the sofa.
We have had some delicate conversations on what it means to live together. No matter whom we live with, some of our standards are going to be different. Resolving those differences peaceably, accepting each other's foibles, compromising, and taking responsibility for our own standards and tastes are more important lessons than how to stack dishes in the drainer. It's been good for Jessica to try to grasp that Patti really doesn't see the dirt in the corner and even if she did, it wouldn't matter to her. And it has been good for Patti to realize that Jessica really can't relax until the dishes are done.
Another downside of the plan is that the house isn't always as clean and organized as I'd like it. I've had to relax. While some frustration came from having a dirty bathtub or a messy front room, most of the tension for me came from the idea that the girls had not finished their work. I was more concerned with fair than they were. Fair to Jessica meant not having to work around Patti's schedule, not that responsibilities were unequal.
This system probably would not have worked for us five years ago. We needed a change in structure as the girls became teenagers. Adolescence is a time to transition into adulthood. Taking into account their personalities and their need for independence as well as respecting their emerging maturity meant adjusting family policy. There are four people living in our house old enough to feed and clean up after themselves, to be responsible for their books and projects in the main living space, and to take care of their own clothing and personal hygiene.
An advantage to unchoring is that group efforts are more common now. Without a list and with me as an equal partner, all four of us cooperate more: "If you bring in the firewood, I'll do the breakfast dishes." When chores are chosen, personal responsibility kicks in and they get done. Giving the girls freedom has mixed up domains and emancipated all four of us. I end up doing about the same amount of work as I did with a list, but don't have to threaten, cajole, or heave big sighs to get results.
Unchoring does not mean chaos reigns and we are wading though dust balls and dirty tissues a foot thick. I work part time. Before going to work I write down a list of ideas for chores that day. Some are specific--Patti, please scrub the stove, or, the paintbrushes you used yesterday are still on the counter. Others are more general--how about potato soup for dinner? Since Jessica is no longer dependent on Patti to get her part done, she can clean to her heart's content. If there's no potato soup when I get home, I'll open a can of baked beans for myself. If the stove doesn't get scrubbed, I'll put it on the list tomorrow. After a few days, someone, including me, either feels inspired or gets sick of seeing it on the list and it gets done. Few chores in the house if not completed irrevocably damage our life.
The girls still fight (it is part of being sisters), but not over chores. Some days housework is put on hold, not because of fighting, but because Jessica and Dean became involved in a project outside and Patti stayed in her room absorbed in an all-day art project. Other days I arrive home from work and the floor is swept, the blankets are folded and piled on the sofa, and supper is bubbling on a clean stove. Either way is okay. Learning to live together is an ongoing process, and household responsibilities have taught all of us about respect, communication, flexibility, and letting go.
© 2003 Karen Kirkwood
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May-June 2003 - Articles and Columns
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